The many uses of fruitcake

I hate fruitcake. Dense, alcoholic bread studded with candied fruit in garish, no-way-this-can-be-real colors....yuck. I think it deserves all the jokes that it gets. In fact, I'm going to contribute some of my own. Here are some uses for fruitcake I like much better than stomach lining:

1) Use it as a doorstop (okay, this isn't really my own idea, but any fruitcake list needs to include this classic usage).

2) Use it as a paperweight.

3) Use it as hand weights for your next workout.

4) Use it as a pieshell weight (i.e. it can weigh down the dough and keep it from bubbling up when you bake it)

5) Have you noticed a pattern going here? Basically, substitute "fruitcake" for anything that requires a weight.

6) Slice it up (you may need a table saw) and use the slabs as walls for a holiday fruitcake house. It'll look much cuter than a gingerbread house because it has all those shiny fruits.

7) Round up all the fruitcakes in the neighborhood, slap some mortar on them and build yourself a chimney or a garden path.

8) If you're feeling really crafty, turn it into a centerpiece:

Disneyland Decorating Tips from Heather Hust on Vimeo.

What would you do with a fruitcake?

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