Men's Underwear: Questions from a Catholic Schoolgirl
What is it with men's briefs? Here's a photo of a pair of Calvin Klein boxer briefs for little boys (I bought a pack for 3Po and Jammy the other day). They're quite adorable, and when my boys wear them they look like little buff Mark Wahlbergs. But when I take away the cute kid, all I'm left with is a pair of underpants with a slit down the side. I have never understood that slit. I know what it's supposed to be for, but I just can't see any male actually using it in this day and age. I have so many questions:
If a little boy is dancing in his pants, dying to pee (and since little boys always wait until the last minute, this always applies), does he honestly have time to maneuver his Wee Willy Winkie through that slit and pee out of it? Wouldn't he just yank his trousers and underpants down in one desperate motion before his bladder bursts? And wouldn't the same apply to grownup men?
Even if a man did have enough time, wouldn't it still be really awkward? Now, I'm a former Catholic schoolgirl so I don't know much about the male anatomy (cue eye roll by Alfie), but it seems to me that if you're wearing tighty-whities, there's going to be a lot of organ-bending involved, which doesn't sound like something a man would want to do.
Why is the slit cut down to one side? Is it always cut down the same side? Why not down the center? Does it have anything to do with being right-handed (and if so, is this a possible case for discrimination against left-handed people)? Or do most men's winkies lean to one side?
How do Calvin Klein and the other underwear makers decide how big the slit ought to be? Did they take measurements? Is there such a thing as a male organ fit model? Does that slit get proportionally larger with larger sizes of underwear?
Unfortunately I can't do any field research in the matter, since, well, Catholic schoolgirls don't enter male restrooms, and they don't ask men such questions, and Alfie is a sample size of one, and he refuses to break the male code and peer over his shoulder to see how other men pee. So I have to apply the process of elimination (no pun intended) to come up with the only remaining reason why the slit is still there.
C'mon, Calvin Klein and all you men's underwear makers. Admit it. The only reason you put the slit is to make sure that male underwear doesn't look like female panties.